Recently I have been in a rut. I feel a lack of motivation to better myself. I convinced myself that I was going to join a gym, but then I ask myself, “when would I even have time?” So I haven’t joined.
I have time. I could make time.
I am struggling to do anything besides sit and sleep. I want to clean my room and hang up all my clothes, but I have no motivation to organize.
My nervous habits are returning at full force, and making me unhappier than ever before.
I recognize this rut from a few years ago. This rut led me to begin anti-depressant/anxiety medicine. This was the rut that greatly affected my first year of college- a year I will never get back. I remember asking myself, “why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?”
I came to realize throughout college that “everyone else” was not normal. “Everyone else” had their own struggles that made mine feel minuscule. But then again, you can’t compare, because to you a broken finger could feel like a broken leg and to everyone else a broken finger could feel like a bruise.
My mental health then was less than ideal. I ended a relationship to work on myself, to grow. I focused on building friendships and moving forward from the devastation that led to my “problems” in the first place. I forgave, I moved on. I healed.
Time heals all wounds, I hear. I guess in this case its true. But what they don’t tell you about wounds, is that they can reopen in different ways. This time is different.
I thought I would be able to stop taking my medicine soon. I thought that I was happy, fulfilled, that I had reached my potential for personal growth. I thought I was ready to move past the medicinal help. Disappointing, but it’s okay to not be ready.
I guess I am happy, for the most part. I am a happy person, after all. But I feel empty lately. I keep pushing the people I care about away.
I hope that they come back.
I do not want to go back to the way I felt. But I am disappointing myself by not feeling happy. I feel like I am disappointing certain people in my life if I am not always happy. I am disappointed that I have not yet been able to get a hold of myself. I want this to be a phase, I hope to find a spark of motivation.
Mental health is difficult to navigate. I wrote this to start that process. I wrote this hoping I would find some inspiration. To those who do not struggle with mental health: you are lucky. But I hope this sheds some light into the mind of someone who does. Be a support system, don’t let them push you away. We will come back. To those who do: have hope, it will get better.