Things I Don't Understand but I Wish I Did

       For starters here is a little disclaimer: I have just had a shitty day. Nothing seems to be going my way and I think I have reached a limit for me. I don't know why but, I just don't understand some things in my life right now. I really wish I did. I need a place to let this all out and for some reason I feel like sharing this on the internet may help (this is going downhill quickly) I know this is a fashion and beauty based blog but today home-girl needs a little love and lots of advice. So if that is ok with you I think I am going to share a little bit with you all.

       I am 17. I know you aren't supposed to share that information on the world wide web but for the purpose of understanding where I am coming from that background information is needed. Being 17 I am in high school. So I guess thats my first problem. Why the heck is this whole teenager thing so hard? I mean could somebody who is older and wiser please just write me a manual on how to actually be happy at 17? That's the problem, I am happy... sometimes but when I am unhappy it hits me like a semi truck. Why can't sadness just tap you on the shoulder and say hey today is just not your day.

       I do not understand how to find a source of happiness that isn't harmful. In high school it seems like the happy kids are the ones who always have plans on the weekend and the perfect boyfriend on their arm. Or the girl who drinks her sorrows away every friday with her friends. I admit at one point I was that girl, but I promise I was not really happy. I was in a long relationship and it ended. Being honest guys... I was not sad it ended. It was the right thing and to this day I don't dwell on it a second longer until now when I am trying to figure some things out.

     I don't find my happiness in drinking, drugs or anything of that nature. I never have and I do not think I ever will (thats one good thing) Where I find my happiness is other people's approval of me. I feel the best when I know somebody else cares about me. I know this seems normal, but I really am a different person. What I don't understand about this, is why as a teenage girl I have one mind-set: the only person that can provide that happiness is a boy. 

       A boy! How silly and classic teenage of me but it is the truth. I look at all my friends and their boyfriends and I can't help but wish I was just like them. But wait. I don't want to be like them. Because remember that boy I dated for a while? well he kind of ruined the whole "fairy-tale in love thing" for me. So how can I be optimistic when I know how the story ends. Nobody tells you the real ending you have to find it on your own in a very hard way. Eventually life leads you on a new path for the better but it doesn't mean you don't come out of it with a different outlook. For me the new outlook is a thirst to find a way to be happy without a boy. (so far I am failing miserably)

       So I guess what I am writing this is to help me think things through. I also could use a little advice from people who have been here. Does this nagging feeling of needing to be loved go away? Is it ok if I do not want to find a guy in high school? If I don't will I be happy? Things I don't understand but I really, really wish I did.


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