Your Stories #3

Not everyone's story is over in fact most of ours are works in progress - thank you to this weeks story teller for being vulnerable, honest and a beautiful work in progress!

The Rut of the “No’s”


"With every passing day, I realize how much my fears affect me. They inhibit me from living my ‘ideal’ life—how I wish I could drink a glass of wine and not fear for my life, how I wish I could trust others to not hurt me, how I wish I could have ‘normal’ thoughts. I currently believe that I am in a rut—a rut of the “no”. Due to my fear, I find myself immediately writing off new experiences because I simply force myself to believe that my fear will take over and therefore I should not participate. I understand that my anxieties can give me the upper hand, but most of the time, I feel like the weirdo. I can’t go out with a group of people in a foreign place because I am so afraid of them abandoning me. As of now, I have completely given up on the idea of this. I keep telling myself that I am a social person, but my actions do not seem to reflect on that. I have always felt like I never fit in for so many reasons. For one, I always felt growing up in the U.S. has made me a mixed breed. I hate feeling like I don’t belong in either of my homes. I am my toughest critic that has always been my biggest commitment. I hate that my fears control my life because that is not the way it should be. I am ‘supposed’ to be having “the time of my time!!!!”. “The time of your life” isn’t real. Every day should be “the time of your life”. Sometimes you’re not going to have the greatest day ever because people can be shitty, you can wake up already dreading the day, or every little thing can drive you mental. For the past week, I have found myself in this place where I feel as if I have no direction. I crave direction. I need it for my survival. Yet—I don’t have any. I am a dreamer and I have always been. I think about what I presume to be the “perfect” situation in my head and automatically disappoint myself when my expectations are not met. This is why I say “no”—because I presume to already know the facts. In reality, I have been letting my fears get the best of me. I know that I am a smart person. I fear for others because I know how badly they can hurt me. I want to start saying ‘yes’ and stop making excuses for myself. I want to feel strong enough to step out of my comfort zone. Of course I’ll never truly be ready to step out of my bubble, but if I don’t try then what will I gain from this experience? Debt? No thank you. Regardless of the affirmation that the people closest to me give me, I must do something to get out of this rut. I have to be more open minded. I have to remind myself that I will be fine. I want to grow—I need to grow. One of these days, it’ll be me out on the terrace laughing my head off with people that I barely know, having the “time of my life”. Until then, I’ll continue to feel sorry for myself at 1:15 a.m."