It is crazy to me that sitting here in Starbucks I just stared at my blank blog post title trying to think of something to call this post... well anxiety is the best I could come up with. While I feel like this explanation isn't necessary I also feel like this blog has been the best thing that happened to me in high school and it deserves more than being a little neglected.
Five years ago (crazy how time flies) I started my freshman year of high school and if I could sum it up in a few words I think I would choose - the suckiest thing ever. If you want to know a little more about what I mean you can check out my super cringe-worthy video I made four years ago - here (brace yourself).
Fast forward four years after that video and anxiety was a thing of the past for me. It was almost like I couldn't remember how bad anxiety could make me feel. I was doing great, feeling great and stopped taking any medicine two years ago. Then like this massive dark cloud (think hurricane type cloud) anxiety came back into my life. My body was shaky, my mind was racing and I couldn't do anything. Class became a struggle and I decided to hide out at my parent's for a while. Anxiety has a way of making you feel like you are dying - everything has this looming hopeless doom over it and as soon as my eyes opened in the morning I knew what kind of day it was going to be. I was going to spend my day choking down tears, pretending I am ok all the while hoping that no one knew exactly how bad I felt. The past few weeks has been hell and instead of feeling in control I have been watching my body and myself go through the motions of life like an outsider.
Why am I telling you this? Well thankfully I do have a support system and people who care about me and love me, but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes having someone hug you and tell you it's going to be ok while they are living their life and you can't seem to get yours back hurts even more. SO this post serves two purposes. 1) You guys need a little explanation on why I am slacking lately. It is not because I don't want to blog - I do but right now I just can't. 2) I hope someone is reading this and nodding along with everything I am saying, not because I want anyone to ever feel the way I do, but because I really needed a post like this to make me feel like I wasn't alone. That I am not crazy and that this is just a bump in my life.
I did this five years ago - it sucked and I never wanted to do it again, but we all know life doesn't work that way. These were the cards I was dealt. Every single day I am angry about them but I really want to learn how to play the game of anxiety. I also want to find a way to make this more a part of my blog because right now my life isn't fantastic clothes and Instagram pictures. It is hard and people need to not only get the highlight reel.
If you made it this far... THANK YOU. For supporting me just by reading this and for taking a minute to understand someone's struggles.