Sorry for my language but guess what guys? Anxiety is a major B*#@%. You may (or may not) have noticed that I have been more than a little absent from my blog and Instagram this summer. There is a simple (yet so complicated) explanation for that and that is anxiety. If you have been following me for a while or have read my blog before you may know that I have little filter and really have no problem sharing every detail of my life - not for attention or pity - but for awareness and to start a conversation.
Mental health has been a struggle for me in the past but this year it really ramped up. Without too many details - to put it frankly this year sucked. I know every year and every day I am given isn't going to be amazing and 100% but this was like one of those years that fits a movie scene where the main character is getting his ass kicked and he finally falls on the ground and just gets socked in the face one more time for good measure - that was my sophomore year of college.
At the beginning of June, so much change took place in my life at one time and I knew I wasn't ready for it. It was like knowing a hurricane was coming but putting yourself in the middle of the damn street to have it happen anyways. I felt like my body and my mind detached and started living their own lives. My panic attacks tripled and I got these horrible headaches and jaw pains to go along with it. Four trips to the hospital later (yes FOUR) and I realized I hit rock bottom. I was laying in my parent's bed tingly, numb, crying and realizing my life is not worth living like this.
SOOO what did I do? What any logical person in that situation would do - I asked my therapist to put me on a 72-hour hold and get me locked up with the rest of the "crazy" people because I was NOT functioning. Taking a breath of air in was hard and for someone who can be a bit (a lot) dramatic at times, this was no exaggeration.
I spent three days in a psych ward where every 15 minutes somewhere checked off on a clipboard that yes you were still breathing and yes you hadn't tried to hurt herself by shoving a pencil into her eye or down your throat (I heard stories guys). The doctors in the hospital switched my meds (did I mention this is the fourth switch I've had in three months? NOT fun) and I was released. I didn't feel any more whole, any less broken, but I did feel like that was rock bottom and things couldn't get worse which in a weird way was a ray of hope for me.
Fast forward two (three? I am losing count these days) weeks later and anxiety is still a bitch. I know this wasn't the ending you were looking for but there is a bright side! I am currently in a program that teaches me new skills, new perspective and gives me a whole bunch of people just like me to lean on. I go every day and I think it is starting to get somewhere for me. I am not longer waking up wishing my eyes could be glued back closed. Mental health is a long journey. It is a path with crazy highs and the lowest of lows that you could ever imagine, but what stands out to me the most about it is NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Sorry for yelling but guys, lets get real here. Nobody is perfect - not even the girl behind the instagram feed you follow and may think trading places for a day would be cool. Behind every sponsored post or tripod taken selfie is a major battle happening in my brain to take back my life. So from here on out this blog is fashion, videos, beauty, lifestyle AND mental health. Welcome to my new category and thanks to a suggestion from my killer boyfriend I am sharing this journey with you guys in a post once a week EVERY WEEK. Every tip, every struggle and hopefully one day a success story about how I kicked anxiety's ass.
Maybe not for good, but for now.