Healing Isn't Linear

The first time I heard that my first reaction was - what the heck does that mean? Then my second reaction after putting the pieces together was - what that freaking sucks. Healing isn't linear... healing from trauma, stress, hard times or sadness is an up and down wave of struggle and success and crying on the floor the day after you just felt on cloud nine. What I am describing sounds hectic, unreliable and honestly it is but that is part of healing - honestly, it is part of life.

If you ever meet someone that tells you they have never had a bad day - where they had to struggle and really fight just to make it to that moment where they could sit down, kick their feet up and relax - get them out of your life they are a liar. Everyone has bad days and sometimes when you are in the middle of healing from something you have more than you would want. Let me tell you how it usually goes for me.

Day 1: I am really anxious. This is probably a Monday or Sunday I have a huge week of school work ahead of me - Jon is off relaxing and preparing for his week, I am alone in my apartment and I just feel like crap. I want to pull the damn covers over my head and never leave.

Day 6: (not exact days) I woke up got everything I needed to do done. I felt proud of myself and proud of how far I have come in my healing. I say "good job Emma you kicked anxieties ass" I eat a really good dessert, snuggle Stella and go to bed

Day 12: I wake up and the cover come back up. I tell myself that I can do it because I have done it before but anxiety sneaks in and goes something like this "everything you worked so hard for was a waste of time because look at us now we are anxious, tired, feel like crap and are going to probably feel this way forever and ever".

Then I have a good cry and get back to day 1 again. Obviously, this isn't how I want to live my whole life and the rational Emma typing this post knows this is a temporary time where I might have to fight a little harder to shut anxiety up, but that is because healing isn't linear. You don't wake up one day decide to start feeling better and every single day after that you feel a little bit and a little bit better until one day you climbed this huge mountain and can shout to the people at the bottom 'SUCK IT'. The perfectionist in me would love that but that isn't how it goes.

So instead I am working on swallowing the bitter pill that is reality and learn to give myself a break on those day 12's. To let myself feel sad that it isn't a great day but to also be there for myself to say "hey there is always tomorrow".