One thing I kept repeating over and over in my head and to people around me is “I don’t want this”. I didn’t ask to be anxious. I didn’t wake up one day and say “Hey, lets make life really hard for a while that will be fun.” If all that were true, then mental health wouldn’t be a problem.
I struggle really hard with the fact that I have something that makes me “different”. Something that I have to work extra hard on to be at baseline or what I determine as normal. I think all of us have that one thing – it could be mental health, addiction, ADHD, a strained relationship – literally anything that we have in front of us that we just don’t want.
For weeks I just kept on with this mindset. Here is this thing that I have, I know what it is and I want it to go away so bad. I wanted it so bad that I would drive myself crazy thinking about how badly I just wanted to be normal (um hello rumination see last week’s post here). No surprise that in hindsight that didn’t work. I sat in the hospital the first day of my hold just crying. Crying over the fact that I felt so broken and so alone over something I DIDN'T WANT.
I needed to get better. I wanted to get better. I literally wanted to smash my anxiety so hard that it obliterated into nothing. But, the first thing that I had to accept was really hard for me. I didn’t ask for this AND I didn’t do anything wrong to make me this way or have this problem.
Once you can hear that and I mean REALLY hear that in your mind then you can start to tackle it. Your time and energy are precious. When you are anxious and you are upset so much time and energy is already spent into doing normal day to day tasks so why spend it thinking about how shitty you feel? I didn’t wake up one day and go ok, today is the day that I won’t be anxious and I am going to do this, this and this to stop it. No it takes time and practice but it does get better.
I know you don’t want this shitty feeling. I know you don’t want to have to deal with whatever crap is in your life right now BUT you didn’t ask for it and it will get better. In life we are going to have to deal with things (even people) we don’t want, but if we can take a step back acknowledge that we didn’t ask for it but we are going to accept it anyways then we can start to heal. This doesn't work everyday but it will work some days.
Trust me, easier said then done but we can do it!