I Still Struggle

I have been tying to put into words for so long how to explain what I mean when I say that I still struggle. I don't want to keep complaining but I also don't want to stop sharing my story. In my life there has been an expectation set for me and then upheld by myself that if you are good one day you should be good there next day. This creates a rigid structure set up to make me feel like a failure because some days I just struggle.

This past weekend I had a horrible time. Everything I did gave me no relief from living in my anxiety and trauma brain. With this comes physical symptoms and lately they have manifested as seriously uncomfortable chest pain. I don't know if you have ever had chest pain but I don't recommend it. It is scary and very uncomfortable. It is almost like my anxiety said hey - F you we are going to scare you real bad today so you pay attention to us.

My anxiety is needy little monster. It wants to run my life and is used to doing so as I gave it all my power the past year. By this I don't mean that I ever just let it tear me down. NO no noooo. I fought my ass off to tell it to be quite and go away but it is kind of like being an internet hater. The more you pay attention to something even if you hate it - is just giving it attention. To my anxiety no press is bad press.

So what has life been like for me lately? Lots and lots of progress but lots of two steps forward and one step back. I currently go to therapy twice a week (I know that is crazy but man am I grateful for my therapist and the work we are doing). I do one day of EMDR to work on trauma. On the other day I do neuro feedback to train my brain what it feels like to be normal.

I am putting in the work. And I am seeing the results - sometimes. Ultimately, I still struggle. My life is not a walk in the park and some days I wish I could close my eyes the second I open them but I have this new thing called hope and I missed it for a really long time.



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