Well hello, there old friends and my lovely column. Welcome back to where I update you on my mental health (mostly when I am in a hole or finally crawled my way out). This time is a little bit different. Per usual I want to tell my story in the hope of inspiring someone out there to know it is ok to feel what you are feeling and maybe even tell someone you love. But I am somewhere in the hole and somewhere almost out of it. So here we go...
The word that has been thrown around every time I have to fill out a health evaluation form whether it be for my back, my anxiety, or a plain old check up. There is always that one box or the one word you have to circle because they need to know "have you experienced any of the following recently, the past year etc"
A few months ago I never had to check that box because... well... I had anxiety and it sucked but I never was clinically depressed - until the pain came back and man did my pain come back. It had a deep vengeance. It needed to run through me and I was not ok with that. So what did I do? I found myself in a place where there were floods of tears, thoughts of hopelessness and so so soooo much fear, but this time it was different.
This time Jon couldn't hug me out of it or my therapy session didn't end with my head lifted a little higher. This time I found myself crying to doctor after doctor begging for someone to help me to fix me because I was broken. I was depressed.
Now I want to be clear. Just because you have signs of depression or are diagnosed as depressed DOES NOT mean you are broken. Broken is how I felt but - to you reading this right now I promise you there is nothing that can be so broken about you or your life that cannot heal. As I type those words there is a part of me that doesn't believe that, but there is a bigger part that has to.
This is not a victory story or a how to get over depression manual. This is just a story about a girl who has been writing about mental health for a while now and has a new box to check. A new challenge to take one and one more story to tell her kids about how she was resilient as fuck (sorry dad).
I believe in the power of time, the love of others and the strength in ourselves. There are days when I cannot even bring myself to shower and there are days where I feel like turning the music up louder because the sun is out. No matter what though there are just days and there is another coming for me tomorrow. Thank you for following my journey and always reach out to me if you want to talk. LOTS of love tonight,